SWETA SRIVASTAVA VIKRAM: A few months ago, as part of my status update, I posted a quote on Facebook: “For most of history, Anonymous was a woman.” The words, written by Virginia Wolf, seemed apt to share along with my radio interview and video clips of a reading, in New York City (NYC), where I was a featured poet. The post earned several comments and multiple “likes”. Women from all over sent me e-salutations. But I got an embittered comment from Deven, a middle-aged man living in India. He said, “I don’t think that among your friends you have any male chauvinist pigs, so why do you feel the need to rub in the notion of feminism?” Deven reiterated that MCPs rarely existed. He expressed his disinterest in listening to “hogwash” about equal rights. He wrote, “It is the woman of the house who’s wearing the pants. The men are relegated to being mere bread-earners. I know of half-a-dozen families where the male is suffering because the female is intent on proving herself; proving what point, I really don’t know. Try and watch some of the soaps we have on television today, in every one there’s a woman scheming out things—showing India how it should be done.” I wrote back to Deven and explained that I wasn’t attacking him or sending out “hate”. I was making a point using history and literature as benchmarks. I feel fortunate to have been born in times when women have a voice—more than the generations before did. But there was a time when writer Jane Austen used a pseudonym to disguise her identity because it was not lady-like for a woman to write a novel. True, women in India have come a long way, and the media, often, represents the changing trends. But what if some women watched soaps about a domineering fairer sex to fulfill their fantasies? Or to escape their own weak reality? Do these soaps accurately mirror behavioural attitudes and statistics of the viewers—victims versus perpetrators? According to the National Crime Records Bureau in India, every three minutes a crime is committed against women. Every six hours, a married woman is abused: found beaten to death or driven to suicide in India. Every hour, two women are raped. Clearly, all the women watching Ekta Kapoor shows don’t use a whip at home. United Nations Department of Economic and Social Affairs’ newly released data shows India has the highest female infant mortality rate—again, indicating discrimination. Since I knew Deven, I jokingly suggested he drink some beer and relax. Deven sent me an electronic smiley accompanied by a note, “I am the biggest fan of your work. May god bless you!” He then went on to say, “It’s my pleasure to know someone so honest and true.” Deven ended the e-mail with, “What I really feel hurt about is the way we have lost femininity somewhere along the way to feminism.” Deven’s last few words stayed with me. But before I could say anything further, NYC-based Maya, who came from a broken marriage, responded to Deven. “What you do to people comes back to haunt you. A species that has been kept in shackles for such long is bound to be fierce after getting some independence in this male-dominated society. It is inappropriate to confuse feminism with femininity. Men deserve the unhappiness. Cheers to feminism.” Maya went on to disclose specific statistics on female infanticide, rapes, illiteracy, widowhood, dowry deaths, and remarriage in India. Delhi-based Sudha, who was separated from her husband of five years, echoed Maya’s beliefs. The verbal outpour made me think if the experience of emancipation for desi women in USA is not too different from their Indian counterparts. I empathised with the numbers Maya shared. But I didn’t have the same viewpoint as her on feminism or femininity. Maya’s opinion of men was not very different from Deven’s understanding of women. Their personal experiences clouded their judgment. But more importantly, they both lacked clarity on the differences between “feminism” and “femininity.” The dictionary meaning of feminine is: “Having qualities traditionally ascribed to women, as sensitivity or gentleness.” And feminism is explained as: “The doctrine advocating social, political, and rights of women equal to those of men.” When Hillary Clinton decided to run for the presidential elections in 2008, she received negative criticism for her “lack of femininity”. This wasn’t from men necessarily; women too chastised her. I remember meeting a lady and she’d said to me, “I know Hillary Clinton wears the pants in her house. But does she have to prove that to the world? Can’t she act slightly more feminine?” I said, “You mean, doll up like Palin and wish no word ever left her mouth?” Does our society misuse the two F-words? Fact is that educated, confident Hillary Clinton, a role model for many, stood by her cheating husband. But the world called her “cold” never “caring”. But Sarah Plain, who invented the word “refudiate” and lied about her daughter’s pregnancy, was considered a good wife and mother because of her feminine charm? I began to ask around—what people understood by the terms femininity and feminism. I happened to interview Leena, a 33-year-old, self-proclaimed feminist, member of senior management in the PR world of NYC. I noticed that the top few buttons of her shirt were unbuttoned, flaunting her cleavage. Her skirt had a slit deep enough to create an “oomph” factor. While we got chatting over a glass of wine, she confessed: “How I dress makes a difference to my career.” Before I could say anything, one of Leena’s male co-workers showed up. They both spoke briefly. I noticed Leena found excuses to caress this man’s elbow and shoulders. I figured they were dating. But Leena said, “God no. He is a jerk. I make most of these guys at work cry. I am a feminist.” A little while later, she admitted, “I almost always earn more money than the men I date, but somewhere I liked to be treated like a lady.” I raised my eyebrow, “How do you mean?” She took a sip of her wine, “I like the man to hold the car door and pay for dinner.” “I am sure you can afford to pay for yourself, right?” “Of course.” Leena looked appalled. “But you call yourself a feminist?” She rolled her eyes, “Sure, I might be a feminist. But I am a woman at heart who likes courteous men.” I thought to myself: who qualities for a “courteous man”? Someone who is respectful, caring, and supportive of his or her partner’s stance on equality so might not always offer to pay. Or a man who always buys a woman dinner, but treats her like a piece of meat? I left the wine bar wondering how many “feminists” like Leena applauded maltreatment of men. And how many women like Leena abused their “feminine” charms. Are some women hypocritical about gender equality: flag the “poor woman” card when it suits them? Other times, argue for equal opportunity. A liberal, male PhD student at an Ivy-League School on the east coast of the US said to me: “Lately due to the Hiltons and Kardashians of the world, feminism does need a revision. I see more girls in my class using femininity as a springboard to get ahead. They forget the history. The idea behind the Seneca Falls Women’s Rights Convention, 1848, was equality and fairness, feminism, which I agree with. But now I feel it’s changed to something far more remote.” Women have seen hard times. Be it India or the US, we still battle both at home and workplace. I am proud to be different from men, both physically and emotionally. Though I don’t need to be protected by my knight in shining armour, I appreciate being adored and cared for. While I don’t like my husband holding the car door for me—makes me feel invalid—I have no qualms finishing an article while he fixes tea. In the same breath, the inner woman in me enjoys taking care of my house and family. Maybe living away from India has helped us redefine the social terms to suit our lifestyle and attitude. But there is merit in male-female interdependence and life built on mutual respect. I am a bit tired of the compulsive obsession of identifying with only one school of thought always. If women have come a long way, so have men. And as a feminine feminist, I am proud to give credit when deserved. See, a woman could embrace feminism while being a feminist. Who says she couldn’t love her man just as easily as fight for women’s rights, issues, and interests, in her summer dress and red lipstick?